1 failed round of IVF
4 lost baby embryos
21 doctor appointments
102 pregnancy tests
...& too many tears to count
This is what our journey to baby looks like. I didn’t get my rainbow baby. I will never have a child of my own.
Every woman’s journey to baby is different. Some have challenges, & some don’t. In my case, we get pregnant very easily, and everything tests “normal.” The pregnancy just… ends. It ends with my heart shattered into a thousand pieces, and I dissolve into an emotional puddle on the floor, knowing that I’ll never get to hold my babies in my arms.
The doctors and specialists weren’t able to find a cause for my pregnancies ending in miscarriage. That leaves me with nothing to blame, nothing to point at and say “that’s why.” It leaves me sitting here wondering if it’s just not in God’s plan.
Now, before you lovingly tell me: "it will happen," “just pray about it,” “try acupuncture,” “take progesterone,” or “just stop trying & it’ll happen.” Please know that we tried everything we could.
This is NOT an easy journey. There is so much grief and pain. Not a day goes by that I don’t grieve and feel the aching in my heart. I do my absolute best, though, to be strong, put my faith in God, and focus on gratitude for the blessings that I do have.
Some days, the grief wins... and that’s ok. I give myself grace, and know that tomorrow is a new day.
So how do I cope?
Support from friends & family
(and if I’m being completely honest) Wine
To the woman on a similar journey… I see you. You’re not alone. If you want to talk, I’m here.
I’ll share more going forward about our journey to baby, infertility, how I cope with grief, helpful advice for friends and family, and updates on our new adoption journey. Thank you for letting me share my story.